Madame Speaker, Madame President, Ladies and Gentlemen of the Yale Political Union,

Did you come to college to be happy? To contentedly guzzle cheap beer between problem sets and reading responses, to look up from the grindstone just long enough to down a jello shot, to walk through life propelled by inertia and the vague sense that you must be living correctly, since you can't conceive of any other way to live?

My name is Tristyn Kasiana Bloom. I am the 124^th Chairman of the Party of the Right, and I am here to tell you that cruelty is not the worst thing we can do, and that happiness and contentment are goals for weak men and fools.

The Party of the Right does not tolerate weakness. We demand that you have eyes that always seek an enemy, that you expose your intuitions, ideas, and ideals to fierce debate and close examination, and that your philosophy be neither a list of policy recommendations nor a stale collection of essays and books, but a sincere commitment to your values evident not only in how you speak, but how you act.

Beneath my Party's crest are the words “Amo libertatem, odi aequalitatem.” For the philistines among you who don't understand Latin, that means “I love liberty, I hate equality.” The Right dares to assert what the Left so stubbornly tries to ignore: that the two are not mutually compatible, and that there is a correct answer to the dichotomy. We are the rightmost Party in the Yale Political Union, and many among us are proud, card-carrying members of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. If you've been inspired or incensed by the Federalist Society, National Review, or the Republican National Committee, you have members of my Party to thank. Our alumni have served as public officials and federal judges, Governor of New York and Attorney General of the United States. Domination is our goal, and we succeed.

In truth, however, we care not what you think, only that you think. Many are called, but few are chosen—yet those few represent a profound intellectual diversity. Among my brothers are traditionalists and transhumanists, libertarians and liberals, Nietzscheans and neoconservatives—proudly we march into battle, leaving blood on the floor in our wake.

We debate topics like

Resolved: Down Eros, Up Mars,
Resolved: All the World's a Stage, and
Resolved: Conservatism first, America second.

We believe that the unexamined life is not worth living, and we examine not only at debates, but at toasting sessions, during meals, over bottles of whiskey and through countless packs of cigarettes. The Party of the Right is at once a debating society, a brotherhood, and a way of life; we understand that philosophy is not some sterile academic subject but a constant struggle to understand the world and our role in it—ladies and gentlemen, we are unyielding and unapologetic in our search for truth, and so I can assure you that my Party is philosophy done correctly.

What I have said tonight may have frightened, confused, or bored some of you, and to you I say good luck and God speed, for the Party of the Right is not meant for everyone. But if what I've said sounds more like a challenge to be met than a threat to be avoided, then please join us this Thursday at 7:45 post-meridiem in the Timothy Dwight Common Room to debate

Resolved: Man is just another Animal.

The choice is clear, ladies and gentlemen. You may affiliate with one of the other parties in the Union, or you can petition for membership in the Party of the Right.

Thank you.